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well i have been thinking on many tings lately. my mind have been mesing with me. i have hade the feeling that im not enough, that i cant do what im doing and still feeling hole.

i have a woundefull boyfriend that i some times feel i dont deserv. he cares for me more then i do for him. thats fine i guess, but not when i feel i dont give him with he deserves. he should have someone that can be their. that are aroun and not gose for what she wants. because that what im doing, and even though i have not alwayse been this strong in my self and happy with who i am, i have alwayas gone after what i want. i have never lost the goal to become a marinebiologis and to one day work with my orca, and no matter what i need to do i will work with them some day. and then the though come to me that some how its wrong to have him. i have feeling for him, more then i have ever hade for enyone. but some how that dose not feel enough. because i will not let go of this dream. i can stay her and work, i have to go away, work with the ocean. in the ocean. will it be us for that? will he be able to come with me? and if not, im i not only keeping him from finding someone to speend his life with? i know he want to be with me, and i want to have him. but if im keeping him from the reall future itsent that wrong of me? so some time i have the though of leting him go. to give him the chanse to finde the right girl. the one that can give him what he deverves. i feel so gready to keep him with this comfused mind and future. but i will not. hemakes me smile, and happy. so then the last problem is that what if i never get feeling for him that are around what he feels for me? the coment one have said. i have mist to see in you the first love sings. i haven seen the inlove part. and i dont know if this i how i am in love, or if im not able to fall like that. i mean. some people dont show feeling like that. i though it would be seen from a mil a way that im in love. but maby not. or i dont know. maby is hould just nit care,but i cant do that either, because that not me. i know who i am now. and i not losing her.

but that not al that on my mind. other stuff is that i feel empty when i think about what i miss and have lost some how. the friend i though would always be their some how in my life, and im in hers. i tried some to se her, maby not enuogh i know. you can always do more. but with no respond i feel that ist not on me. i just wish that i didn't have to end like that.7 years and no god reason more then my bad way of teeling her how i have feelt. i didn't want to los her. i wanted her to know the real me. it was my fault that i was not my self with her even thoug i started to findmy self. i hade doubts about over friendship befor that. but i never wanted to lose her. but maby that the best, because we were not friend for the later years, not since i moved for my studys, but she is a part and a big reason i am who i am. so not have her anymore is hard. to see the photos and movies of her babe and know that if i hade keept on keeping my tru self from her untill i got home i might have been able to see them, and get a better closer of ower life togehter. i should take al of the reminder awy, but i still love here (you if you are reading this). and i hurt to lose you,i have not emitted that untill now. but it always hurt to los someone.

and speking of losing someone. i have two that i hate to know i will lose in the future. i will not go in to them now because then i will cry. but they are on my mind alot.

but i relised today on my long walk that im happy that i can do that. that i can walk around free and do what i want. i saw an old lady walking with her walker. and that made me think that we take so much for granted, and that makes so many people sitt on their as and do noting. or go to a center to run on a machine.their is nature not far way. it cant take any longer to get their then to a center.yes if you can dp in in day light you dont what to be out runing in the dark i can see that. but during the summer their is light to go around al day long. and then some people woldu say that their are rapers otu their for us women to be woring about. take someone with you then. or have some protecion. i walk with the keys in my hand everytime. not only as a protection but also that i dont like to have them in the pants. they are annoying. but i can get a rection if i dont realise someone is coming up behinde me. i have musik in my ears so i can hear them. but i think that we have to stop taking things for granted. the freedom we have we should enjoy. and we still live in a contery that have a great freedom for al.

so now i shuld stop. im going from and idiot to sentimental to some stupid statment of freedom. as i said my brain is messing with me. and i cant controll it. i hope i dont endup hurting me or someone els to much when its going on.